The depression that creeps in is a product of the fog. The vague melding of all the directions and decisions you face in every moment.
When this sets in, all else is forgotten except the knawing self-consciousness that feeds on the most drunken form of nihilism.
You are inadequate, or at least you think you are.
Maybe there is an aspect of you that feels like you slacked off. Maybe there is a part of you that wishes you could’ve had the foresight to act in such a way so that today would be different.
Welcome to the club.
This is the case for all of us to some extent, but some have it far worse than others.
You though, you say that you wish things worked out differently. You wish that you knew then what you know now and so do what you can to consider this: what must you do so that the elder you cannot say the same thing yet again one, five, ten, and twenty years from now?
Because you can flail around in your own sorrow and complaints. You can choose to spite those who you can so easily point the finger at. But, neither of these will change anything about the situation you are in except make them worse.
Life isn’t fair, and it pains me to say such a thing because it seems so dismissive of whatever pain each of us has gone through. It is, however, the truth.
There is a saying in the Bible that goes something like this:
“Those who have something shall be given more, and they will have more than enough. But from those who have nothing, everything will be taken.”
At face value, this seems like it is nothing but pure malevolence and inequity, but perhaps at another level, something far more nuanced is being said.
To those who have an ounce of self-respect, autonomy, and responsibility, benefits will be reaped ten and twenty fold.
From those who lack these traits, all dreams, potentials, and possibilities will be taken.
When read from a psychological perspective, there is a different dynamic present: happiness is not only exponential, it is exponential in both directions. If you take radical ownership for the quality of your life and how you react - you will feel differently and you will be the breadwinner - the happy one among the many who will never realize the wisdom dormant within themselves.
Some steps must be taken, no matter how small. When you find a direction, your morale changes.
Be gentle yet stern with yourself, but intuit the balance.
What must you do now so that the “you” in the future does not hold the same regret as you do currently? Or, said in another way, what do you have to do to make your future self-proud?
What are the first steps towards making those things happen?